Love is.

Have you ever wondered why some people share a love so different from the one you have? Everybody's love is different -- or love language is different (you can google this) -- but you still wonder. It makes me moody to witness people share a love unlike mine. Perhaps it's a phlethora of gifts, unlimited displays of affection, neverending words of care and concern, undying expressions of "I love you".

Anyway I don't like to watch them. Because I don't receive them.

Sour grapes I know.

:(

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I don't regularly do posts. But I have to document this, my thoughts and feelings, pain and anguish which I cannot share with anyone in particular. I know I brought it upon myself, perhaps I thought it was for the best. Best future.

It's my job. A job which I have invested much time, all my bank savings, and even more risk. I love what I do but it seems I am a mis-fit with my partner. I feel like I am in an abusive relationship that I cannot get out of. It also feels like I am incompetent to do the job. I am no longer as careful and detailed as I used to be, and I always seem to have varying views from what constitutes as "best for the company". I guess if I ran a company, it would go into the ground.

I don't have a degree, nor strings of it. I have a humble education, which in most circumstances would warrant a very small job somewhere in a small company, with no future in sight. I don't have a lot of smarts -- my friends have MBAs from Ivies -- and it took me nearly 20 years to learn the things most young people nowadays learn in 2. Maybe I am just stupid and dumb, ignorant and naive. I just can't grasp complex concepts. Neither can I make appropriate business decisions for the greater good.

Which brings me to the company. Despite my investing time, effort, money, it pales in comparison to what others can bring to the table. I am sure others can put more time, more effort, better smarts, immensely more money, into this growing company than I can. But I tried my best. On hindsight, I am but a little ant worker, thinking I had the confidence to be the queen. My friends stroke my confidence, but they love me, and they wish me well. I reckon I really can't make it, but just attempting to, and perhaps deluding myself into believing I can.

My partners don't seem to appreciate my value or worth. They would have given me shares without money if they did. Although again, I convince myself the money is a contribution of what I can offer, perhaps in exchange for my low value. My partner thinks I am slipshod and careless in my work. Maybe they think I have given too little of my time, effort, and money. I offer suggestions as best as I can, my experience in my field, my observations of the industry. I guess these are failed attempts at trying to be clever. Maybe it really is just a mis-fit, of how two people try to work together but don't have the same views. It's very much like a marriage between two people who are totally different from each other, but have gone so deep and long in their time together that they are inextricably tied and separation will just cause more pain and trouble.

I don't know what to do. I can't even begin to think of an exit plan. The nearest will be a few years away. Perhaps things will be better then. I should remain more steadfast and drown my sorrows quietly. I can stay silent. Only God knows. And He will help me... I think...

My confidence is weak. My hope is bruised. My future remains bleak. I think of my kids, my husband, have I failed them? Have I dragged them down the wrong hole?

And in the meantime, I can only put up in silence. What can I do? And even if I think my work is shit, I better just pretend I am confident about it. What can I do? A whole load of negativity will just make things worse, so I can pretend to be optimistic and positive, and maybe some of it will just rub off and make life better.

I can only try.

But I sometimes wish I could give up.

God I am so weak about such things...

Thank you Diary, for listening.

Je Nas Sai Pas

I don't know why. Recently we've been quarrelling a lot. Is that what 10 years of marriage does to you? Or am I just too stressed lately by the intense workload. I sold myself to my company I know, but with good cause. I am doing it for my family's future. But I also feel entitled to the title of "most hardworking" in the family, despite his protests. I have to be a mom, a business person, a designer, a marketer, a teacher, a maid, a wife, a daughter -- all within the space of 24 hours. Did I mention I hardly get sleep?

I have been sick every month since the beginning of 2015. I have been sick for over a week now. Nobody cares. Really. My daughter coughs at night and everyone worries. I cough at night and my husband sleeps soundly. People just say "What's wrong with you! Why is your immunity so bad?"

I wonder too. But I am praying I get 9 straight months of strong health and I believe He will deliver. I need it too. With the new product line-up, trade shows and overseas work trips...things are going to be tough.

I just wish I get the support I need from the family. I cannot afford a domestic helper. Dashed also are my hopes of having another child. Maybe I can wait till 40. My embryos certainly can, but not sure about my body.

Good night.

Tips for Twins #1: Night Feeds

I'm starting "Tips for Twins" for all mommies needing some tips and encouragement on being mothers of twins, or even singletons. It's so hard to be a mom, a very steep learning curve, but I made it, and so can you. I had a lot of advice when I had just given birth, so I hope to pass on these valuable words to you.

If you're a mommy, you'd know that night feeds are the hardest with twins, especially if you've had no help. I didn't have a confinement nanny – hubby took a whole month's leave and we did the first 4 weeks together. He had to go back to work after that month, so it was just me.

I am so not a night-person. Getting up to feed the babies was an immense struggle. All. The. Time. And with twins. OMG. I made it through in a dazed state every night, ignoring baby cries by being too sleepy to bother. To this day, many moms still ask me how I did it. There are some tips to handling this situation in a calm and sane manner.

1. Prepare bottles of formula beforehand. So you can just pour water.
 
2. Warming up pre-expressed breast milk is a tad harder though. From the fridge, they will be cold and take at least 5 mins to warm up. 5 mins is an eternity with little babies. If you're latching on direct, you'd have no problems. So it might be good to do that for night feeds.
 
3. Don't fret if one of the twins are crying. Unfortunately, if there's only you, they'd just have to take turns. That said, it can be extremely stressful when one baby is screaming in the dead of the night while you're trying to handle the other one. But unless you're latching on both at the same time, there's no choice but to let baby wait. Take care of one first, and then the second one -- diaper change, milk, diaper change. Proceed to second baby. If first baby needs more milk (God knows why they sometimes drink so much milk and poop so much!), handle second baby first, then go back to first baby. They won't die from screaming, so don't worry. It's just that your family (or the neighbourhood) might be awakened by the cries.

4. Diaper changes – you have to learn to do them fast, especially in the night. I was somewhat of an expert, able to change two babies in the same time the lady at the next door cubicle in the mall was able to change her one baby. Haha....

5. Sometimes your babies might not want to sleep when you put them back in the bed. This one is a bit of a problem. I mean, you're exhausted and wanna go back to bed, but baby wants to play?! (Or babies!) I'd say pray hard, rock them a little, put them down, and use helping aids like musical mobiles and such. You could cuddle one to sleep, but hopefully the other doesn't need your attention so much.

6. Go to sleep ASAP. You never know when the babies are gonna wake up again! Try to rest as much as possible.

7. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask. Hubby was doing the "night shift" one day and came to ask me for help because one of the girls kept wanting milk and refused to sleep. He left her on the floor and didn't know what to do anymore. Think he fed her 3 times...

8. Get someone to do the morning shift while you get a good nap. I think a 4 hour nap for new mothers should suffice, enough to recharge your body and energy. Rotating in shifts works better for our mental and physical health. If you can, get the husband or someone to do 6 hour rotating shifts for the night and morning. During confinement, hubby did the 12-6am shift, and then I woke up to continue while he went to bed. It was much better than two people being stoned all day because they had to struggle for the night feeds.
9. Cry if you have to, but wipe it up, thank heavens for your baby, and soldier on.

10. Thou shalt all pass. Time flies, and you'd look back and marvel that you made it through. I know I do!


Take care mommies (and daddies)! Ganbatte ne! You can do it. :)

xoxo,
mommy of the crazy twin girls

The CTG Honest Review of Cool-de-Sac

Ok, so there are plenty of mommy/daddy blogs out there with honest reviews of kids activity playgrounds and other such places. So I'm not going to do that. Not that I won't be honest, but that I think I should be brutally honest instead.

Today's playground in question: Cool de Sac

Location: Great! Suntec City, accessible by bus, MRT, Taxi, Car. Ample parking space in the carpark. Apparently, nobody's back in Suntec City after their massive renovation, so if you go on weekends, you'd find plenty of space in the carpark, and no queues at the eateries.

What's innit: This franchise from the United States boasts "stations" within their playground, like physical structures for climbing and freeplay, a drawing area, a stage for dress-up and face painting, an extensive lego section, a video game console section for older kids (or their dads), and of course a toddler zone with soft structures and mini ball pit. There's also a seating area where you can order food from their attached bistro.

The scoop: Ok, so my kids are 3, and they love playgrounds. They love to run, jump, climb, and take slides. So the slides featured well in their play itinerary. Unfortunately this slide area is kind of small, and challenging for their height. But with 3 year-olds, it kept them entertained for a long time. There's also a flying fox station, which unlike the automatic one at Polliwogs Robertson Walk, this one is "manually operated" by a staff member, who "carries" the child along the flying fox. (Poor fella, we asked him how long he had to do that and he said his shift was like 8 hours, haha!) There's also this climbing bridge/treehouse/thingy where the twins had fun up and down with.

The other stations weren't too appealing for them - they couldn't play video games (the games kind of suck and the consoles seemed a tad faulty), the wait for dress-up and face painting was waaaayyyy too long. And drawing and lego only held their attention for 10mins because hey, they do that at home all the time. There's also a toddler area for under 3s which is pretty spacious, but nowhere as entertaining as the RW Polliwogs one (that one has 2 slides for "babies", mind you!)

Decor: Bright, spacious, airy. Has glass windows. Great lighting. Loads of colour, very nicely done.
 
Details: Shoe locker and stroller parking area is probably ample for weekdays, but we went on a Saturday morning, and boy, it was overflowing. Parking strollers was a challenge... they were parked until outside of the designated zone. The staff's attention to temperature-taking and hand-sanitizing was low too -- they did not bother at all. However, they had many many staff. All of them were friendly, and it was good because they helped mind the kids. But it must create very high operational costs for Cool de Sac (read: higher entry fees for us).

Verdict: It's a little expensive for me to bring both kids here on a weekend all the time, (I think they have packages though), but if you're in the area and need a rest from whiny kids, I think Cool de Sac should more than suffice. There's also a large area and bistro for you to chill while your kids play. Because the playground is spacious without tall structures and pillars, it's pretty easy to keep an eye on your kids too. I didn't try the food but the pizzas look good. And yes, there are areas for holding parties as well.

Cool de Sac
3 Temasek Boulevard

Suntec City Mall #02-379/80

Singapore 038983

http://cooldesac.com.sg/

Admissions

Weekdays

Children under 6 months           FREE
Children under 3 years old        $10

Children from 3-12 years old     $20

Weekends
Children under 6 months           FREE

Children under 3 years old        $13

Children from 3-12 years old     $26

Information: 

1. Unlimited play time per admission
2. 2 accompanying adults are allowed in free with every child
3. Subsequent accompanying adult is charged @ $5
4. Socks are to be worn at all times

Impatience and fear.

It suddenly dawned on me that I feel wary and apprehensive when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together. And when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together in public, people smile at me and say they are such lovely kids. I, too, think they are lovely. But often not for long. And this stresses me out greatly. Of late, they are more whiny and irritating than angelic. Is it a phase they are going through? Am I not spending quality time with them? Or am I just an impatient mother with a low tolerance level for unreasonable behavior, something which seems common in small children.

Just this morning, the daughter needed 30 minutes of coaxing to get out of bed to brush teeth. I had to prepare their breakfast, and told her to rinse her mouth by herself. She snapped. Ran to the kitchen with her foamy mouth crying. (Why?!) I seriously couldn't take it, but told her to go back to the toilet to rinse. Her grandma helped her. But she was still in "let's agitate mom" mode after. Time was running out. I grabbed her and brought her to her room to change. She insisted she couldn't go to school, and wouldn't wear the cute cheongsam that was to be the attire for today's Racial Harmony Day. After some struggle, I got her into her dress and gave her milk to drink. She screamed and said she didn't want to drink, and that's when I snapped, and smacked her on her hand. She screamed even louder and I smacked her again. (I just know the smacking doesn't work but I still do it – why?!) Thank God the grandma came to the rescue at that point. I stomped away.

This seems to be happening on a daily basis now (not the smacking, just the bouts of screaming). I don't know what to do. Most days I try to calm myself and ignore them. They've been fighting a lot too, which is difficult because I don't know how to mediate without taking sides. When they are on their best behavior, cheery and cooperative, I hold my breath and tread carefully. I hear this voice telling me that this should not be the way, bringing up kids should not entail fear. Everyday I tell myself this is why I cannot have anymore children -- I am a busy and impatient working mother who struggles with anger and stress management issues -- and yet I hang back on making an official announcement, if only to myself. The working mothers with domestic helpers don't understand. They have screaming kids too, but don't have frazzled lives. People say that work-life balance is important. My work-life balance is a fog of fuzzy boundaries -- I spend time with the kids 7 days a week, and I also work 7 days a week, with whatever time I can spare.

And there are other stresses. Financial issues. Outstanding debt. Retirement preparation. Many times I wonder how far I will remain in this world. I don't know what God has in store for me, but what if it's to suffer and die young? Should I be prepared for this?

Maybe I need to talk to somebody with real problems like mine. Most people look at me and think I am doing a great job, but it hardly feels so. I wonder if my kids will grow up high-strung and a bit crazy like I am. I certainly don't wish so but with my own mother's tendency to jump to conclusions, and my own moody outbursts, I know that if they look at me, they will learn from me.

I must endeavour.