Impatience and fear.

It suddenly dawned on me that I feel wary and apprehensive when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together. And when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together in public, people smile at me and say they are such lovely kids. I, too, think they are lovely. But often not for long. And this stresses me out greatly. Of late, they are more whiny and irritating than angelic. Is it a phase they are going through? Am I not spending quality time with them? Or am I just an impatient mother with a low tolerance level for unreasonable behavior, something which seems common in small children.

Just this morning, the daughter needed 30 minutes of coaxing to get out of bed to brush teeth. I had to prepare their breakfast, and told her to rinse her mouth by herself. She snapped. Ran to the kitchen with her foamy mouth crying. (Why?!) I seriously couldn't take it, but told her to go back to the toilet to rinse. Her grandma helped her. But she was still in "let's agitate mom" mode after. Time was running out. I grabbed her and brought her to her room to change. She insisted she couldn't go to school, and wouldn't wear the cute cheongsam that was to be the attire for today's Racial Harmony Day. After some struggle, I got her into her dress and gave her milk to drink. She screamed and said she didn't want to drink, and that's when I snapped, and smacked her on her hand. She screamed even louder and I smacked her again. (I just know the smacking doesn't work but I still do it – why?!) Thank God the grandma came to the rescue at that point. I stomped away.

This seems to be happening on a daily basis now (not the smacking, just the bouts of screaming). I don't know what to do. Most days I try to calm myself and ignore them. They've been fighting a lot too, which is difficult because I don't know how to mediate without taking sides. When they are on their best behavior, cheery and cooperative, I hold my breath and tread carefully. I hear this voice telling me that this should not be the way, bringing up kids should not entail fear. Everyday I tell myself this is why I cannot have anymore children -- I am a busy and impatient working mother who struggles with anger and stress management issues -- and yet I hang back on making an official announcement, if only to myself. The working mothers with domestic helpers don't understand. They have screaming kids too, but don't have frazzled lives. People say that work-life balance is important. My work-life balance is a fog of fuzzy boundaries -- I spend time with the kids 7 days a week, and I also work 7 days a week, with whatever time I can spare.

And there are other stresses. Financial issues. Outstanding debt. Retirement preparation. Many times I wonder how far I will remain in this world. I don't know what God has in store for me, but what if it's to suffer and die young? Should I be prepared for this?

Maybe I need to talk to somebody with real problems like mine. Most people look at me and think I am doing a great job, but it hardly feels so. I wonder if my kids will grow up high-strung and a bit crazy like I am. I certainly don't wish so but with my own mother's tendency to jump to conclusions, and my own moody outbursts, I know that if they look at me, they will learn from me.

I must endeavour.

Austerity measures. A soliloquy.

From 1st January 2013, I have been adopting austerity measures in a bid to save more money. The need to save more money is important to my husband's and my life goals, retirement plans, and my children's future. It's been four months and I am feeling the strain.

I was very determined in the beginning. I ate cheap, skipped lunch if I had a heavy breakfast, and never paid for someone to make coffee for me. I also stopped shopping for myself after Chinese new year. I do buy toiletries and necessities, but only when in dire need.

Recently, I realised my average lunch cost was getting higher and higher. I simply could not bring myself to eat some crappy food court meal at $4 anymore. $4 by many's standards is high for a lousy meal. But nowadays I was paying $6-12. I also spent a lot on my kids' birthday gifts. It felt like I was let loose. Consoling myself that it was a valid reason to shop, I bought anything on a whim. You can't blame me, I was shopping-repressed.

Just today, I had a disagreement with the husband on travelling by budget airlines for a holiday. A friend advised against budget airlines for an 8-hour flight. I totally understand the pain, especially with two 2-year olds in tow. But the hubs balks at the few thousand dollar bill just for flights. I understand that pain too. It seems so much for a one week's worth of gratification. But I'm angry still. Whatever it is, I'm disappointed and angry.

You see, I've been working very hard these last four months. Working my ass off in whatever time I had. I've had numerous jobs and they pay me alright. I earn a good keep, not great but good. I am tired working two jobs (the other being a full time mom!) in 16 hour shifts (or 24 hour if you consider a mom's job), and here I am, not able to reap any reward for my hard work. I don't have time for pedicures, I don't go for facials or spa treatments. I don't shop. I hardly have time for lunch chats or tea sessions with friends. I don't go on holidays. And I always feel pressured to eat the cheapest food available.

Am I normal to feel the need for instant gratification? I know If I wait, better things will come. But this wait makes my patience grow thin. It's also sad to see how everyone else around me seemingly having a much more fun time than I am. I feel entitled and I know that is quite wrong too.

As I wrestle with these feelings, the dawn of a new day beckons. And it's back to the grind again...

The demise of old things

I lament the demise of old technology, and some other things from the past. Recently, my printer told me the (very old) machine they had which could do a specific type of embossing for printing had spoiled. Being an old machine, there was little chance to get it repaired. I was distraught as a client had ordered her invitations to be done with the embossing. Being very nice printers, they asked around friends and peers, but nobody was doing this printing method anymore. I was dismayed. Partly because I knew my client would be too, but also because I could not offer this service to future clients... and it really is a pretty effect.

I also heard that the wet market near my home was slated for a month-long renovation. Mother in law was distraught. Hubby said we could just get groceries from NTUC, no big deal. But wet markets are different. There you can get large sized eggs at $1.90, which at NTUC would probably be $3.00. And garlic comes supersized too -- more fragrant and juicy and nice to cook with. Vegetables are also plumper and fresher.

I hope wet markets never cease to exist in Singapore. It would be a time to mourn indeed.

One year!

It's incredible that I have not put in a blog entry in the last 6 months! I have been mighty busy with work and the babies. Sometime after the 6-month mark, they became super demanding, usurping all my time. I could not step away from them without them screaming and crying like the world's gonna end. They had their toys and each other, but it seemed like an adult had to be around to make them feel safe and secure.

In any case, here I am now, hoping to pen my thoughts down. The kids are asleep, mostly through the night, lucky us(!), and I shall spare a few moments to share my experience of crossing the one year mark.


First off, I must remark it has indeed been very fast. In the beginning when the babies just slept, drank milk and pooped all day, I felt tired and bored and time seemed to go very slow. I never believed, or dared to imagine, when some other parent told me how time goes faster with kids. And then when they started trying to talk, and crawl, and walk, and eat solids, etc, the days just whizzed by at breakneck speed. At one moment, I was looking forward to Christmas, or Chinese New Year, or their first holiday... the next moment, their first birthday party is over already. The girls had a swell time I think. I did, though I wished I had more time to chat with anyone for more than 2 minutes! Amelie didn't even want to sleep and had to be coaxed to after 2 hours of playing. Astelle took a 30 minute snooze and got up to say hello to the many guests, and meet the other little babies her age.

Also, babies learn very fast and soak up information like a sponge. It was interesting to see that you just needed to tell them certain things a few times and they'd get it. For example, they clipped their fingers on the drawers a few times and after that, learned to be cautious. They also learned words of their favourite toys like ball or bear pretty fast. However, it does not work when you scold them many times over and over again, not to touch the fan or play with electrical sockets. Arghh!


It's been an amazing journey this past one year. I recently visited a friend who just gave birth, and her baby seemed so small and fragile. It made me think back to the year before when my babies came out all skinny and shrivelled, small but precious. They could only lie down and not do anything, and couldn't use their hands to pick up things. *Sigh* time flies indeed... very soon, they will be 21 and graduating from school...

Three months on

It's nearly three months since I've gone solo, running Cardblanche by myself. It has been a very busy time, juggling jobs and taking care of the babies at home. I try to do whatever I can when they are napping - emails, tying ribbons, folding stuff... And when I go to the studio I work as hard as can be. It's been somewhat fulfilling and gratifying that I can somehow do this on my own and be able to keep going. What makes it so good is when satisfied clients say thank you when they collect their stationery from me. I try my best to make everyone happy, and I do work hard for my money, so your appreciation really counts in motivating me to do what I love to do.

I must thank heaven as well, for guiding me. I'm always thankful for that. :)

End of an 'era', time for a new one

After 8 years, my business partner and good friend, F, and I parted ways. She found a new job, and I found that life with twin girls is nearly all-consuming. There were ups and downs in these past years, but overall I feel it has been an experience like no other. Most people only dream of starting their own business, but we have been there and done that. It wasn't easy, and we struggled, succeeded, struggled again... Methinks the economic recession was a catalyst to people and companies cutting corners, and trimming their budgets. But all in all, I feel we have had provided good quality design work and attentive service, to the best of our ability. Unfortunately, not every client appreciates this, and we have had our fair share of nasty incidents.

Going forward, I hope I can continue to bring in business, do good work, make clients happy, and go home contented with milk powder and diapers for my children. :)

Here's a shot of my new office. And remember, should you need design work or wedding stationery, you know where to find me!

Trials & Tribulations

One of the toughest parts of being a new mom is breastfeeding your child. Before I gave birth, I was determined to breastfeed my twins. How hard could it be? Just let them latch on whilst spacing out in the middle of the night. If need be, I could do one on each side. I read lots of websites on feeding twins and was filled with optimism. Alas, when it came around to doing it, my milk supply came in very slowly, and coupled with newborns who fell asleep halfway through their feed, I was awakened every 30-60 minutes on my first night and was exhausted.

The next day, both babies had high levels of jaundice, and the husband discouraged me from breastfeeding, as breastmilk tends to make jaundice worse. Disappointed, I switched to pumping, and realised my milk levels were actually, quite low. Nevertheless, I continued pumping in hope that the supply would go up. A week later, I started latching on again, hoping that my babies insatiable thirst would increase my milk. Alas, it's been 3 months and despite pumping more frequently, longer, and taking medicines and herbs, nothing has improved. Till today I am still struggling to come to terms with this "loss", should I be happy that my babies are growing chubby and cute anyway? Or should I feel sad that there are many mothers who can provide for all their baby's needs, and I can't even provide for one of my twins?

To add to my stress and woes, my elder twin has a hole in her heart, that whilst small at birth, grew bigger when she was 3 months old. There's hope that it may close up in future, or that it may never affect her health in any way, but for a first-time mom, news of such sort can be worrying and upsetting.

Despite all these, being a parent is very rewarding. The feeling of waking up in the morning and seeing your happy and refreshed baby cooing and smiling at you is second to none. And I will not trade that for anything.

I shall persevere...for another 18 years at least...

Another post at long last...

I haven't had time to add a blog entry, life has been hectic to say the least. The babies are 10 weeks tomorrow and they have grown loads! It is amazing when I look back at their photos from the first few weeks -- so different! From small skinny babies with pointed faces, they are now bigger, plump babies with chubby cheeks! Here are photos of them before and after:



Life wise, thankfully everything has settled a bit, with the babies waking up less in the nights, pooping less and being easier to carry and handle. They even can burp themselves after feeds by sitting up straight, a whole lot more convenient for us! Their heads are more stable now, and they are starting to smile more and interact with us -- I must say, this feeling of your baby (or in my case BABIES) looking at you with adoring eyes is simply magical.

I have also started working again after 2 months, and am learning to juggle work and home. I am grateful to my mother and parents-in-law for helping out many times a week so that I can work 6 hours a day from home or office. I am also highly encouraged by Kimmy, who has been a great moral support, reassuring me that I can be a superwoman, juggling all the duties in my life.

The only thing I haven't done is visit my doggie, who is probably missing me after 11-12 weeks of not seeing her. I think she might scream her head off when she sees me, and I know I owe her an apology and loads of kisses and hugs when I finally see her.

The big op: my account of my delivery

Before I had my c-section, I would imagine the worse, the scariest sensations, and the most excruciating pain. However, because so many friends had done this before me, I imagined that despite all the suffering, everything will be ok in the end. And indeed it was good, but it wasn't even as scary as I thought it was. Here is my account.

On the morning of my c-section, I arrived at the hospital hungry and parched. There was a strict 12 hour fast required and all I could do to quench myself was swallow saliva. I felt a bit like Aron Ralston when he was trapped for 127 hours in the desert, and I pleaded with every nurse to let me have sips of water. But besides the little I was allowed for some tablets, I had to wait.

After a procedure of paperwork, urine tests, and having a nurse shave my nether regions, I proceeded to change into a hospital gown, and all those disposable things they can give you for your hair, body, feet... A bunch of nice nurses made me fill in more paperwork, and then a very wonderful nurse called Narindar Kaur took me to the operating theatre. It wasn't my first time in an OT, but this one was bigger and had more equipment. I was strapped to blood pressure and heartbeat monitors, and the anaethesiologist Dr Sandeep injected a series of numbing chemicals into the sides of my spine. Narindar was fantastic, covering me with a blanket and warm air-blower, talking to me and giving me advice, and making me feel at home (if that made any sense to have an OT as 'home"!) I was asked to curl my back into a "C" shape, but how I could do that with a huge belly, I dunno! I tried my best with a pillow I was hugging. I think there were 3 injections to the back, one of which hit a nerve and was actually a tad bit painful. I was sprayed with icy water on the back as well, which I suppose was to further numb my back to the injections.

There was a long wait after that for my gynae to arrive. Narindar amicably indulged me in chatter, telling me about her children and breastfeeding. I was visibly nervous, and my blood pressure was in the 180 range. It was apparently normal to have it this high with nervousness although I was alarmed. Around me were other nurses and doctors texting on their iPhones and waiting for the operation to start. It was all very casual. When the gynae arrived, everyone snapped into action. Dr Sandeep administered the epidural, which was completely painless due to the numbing injections earlier. I was pleased, I had expected a huge-ass needle to hurt, but it didn't! The epidural was quick to work, and I was moved into a lying position. Dr Sandeep kept touching me with an ice-pack to check if I was suitably numb...I'd say I was numb to my collarbone. A cloth screen was erected in front of me and my legs were strapped to the blood pressure monitors. Kimmy was then ushered in to sit with me at the head of the table, and in 5 minutes, the incision on my bikini line was made. It was all a bit strange to feel pushing and tugging sensations but without any pain. I felt anxious and the blood pressure monitor was skyrocketing, with a loud disturbing beep. Thank goodness Dr Sandeep was reassuring, with a soft calming voice in my ear.

What's next was one of the doctors/nurses pressing hard on my belly, kinda like doing a massage, and then a squawk was heard - Amelie was out! Before I knew it, more belly jiggling and Astelle came out crying as well. They and Kimmy were whisked away in seconds, and I was alone again. More pushing and tugging. I was groggy and it felt so comfortable, like a body massage. I presume the doctors were removing the placenta and other unwanted stuff, and then stitching me up. This part took quite a long while, and I was happy to close my eyes and nap. I felt very tired suddenly. When it was over, they moved me to a recovery room where I was monitored for an hour before bringing me up to the ward. My temperature and blood pressure was taken at (what felt like) 5 minute intervals. I was also attached to a catheter so I need not get up to go to the toilet.

After some time, I was brought up to the ward, which was really cosy and nice (A-class wards at KKH - worth your money!). I then found out that Astelle had been checked into Special Care Nursery for low blood sugar, and Amelie was fine but they brought her for scans on her heart. My parents and in laws were there, and Kimmy, who was a fabulous help in doing everything I could not.

I had a great 4 day stay at KKH, except for the extreme itch I had as an after-effect of the epidural. The nurses were friendly, polite and nice, the lactation consultant Sharon was a tremendous help, and the food was good too! The most painful part was getting up on the second day though. I cannot describe how painful my belly felt when I had to sit up from bed. I forced myself with sheer willpower, and was rewarded because sitting up and even walking felt so much better than lying on the bed and being unable to move. Peeing for the first time was tough too but the nurses were very reassuring and helpful. I shan't describe the contents in the toilet...shall spare you the gruesome details. :)

I am not sure if I would dare to go through a c-section again, but if I had to, I guess I should be heartened that it would heal and everything will eventually be fine.

It's all so surreal...

It's been 3 weeks since I gave birth and it still seems rather surreal. In my home are two adorable little girls (currently having their nap and looking like angels) – my children. I have to pinch myself sometimes to see if I am dreaming...that I finally have the children I've always been praying for. On the other hand, looking after babies is challenging, and I get so tired sometimes I just want to run away, go back to work, back to my previous life.

Again I say, if I didn't have God, I'd be a wreck. I have to constantly remind myself to relax, take a deep breath, and ask Him to guide me and bless me with wisdom and perseverance. Perhaps I should say "we" because Kimmy is going through the same challenges I am. Thank God that he took the whole month off to help me out, together with mother-in-law who has been a wonderful help around the house (she helps us cook and clean and do laundry – yay!).

Moving forward, I hope I will be a good mom, and be able to meet the different challenges children pose. I am grateful for all the help and advice everyone has given me, and I look forward to exciting times with the little ones.

As for now, it's time to get ready for another feed. :)

Time flies...

I've had a swell time these past nine months. Sure, there were ups and downs, but things were mostly smooth and easy-going for me. With the exception of the difficulty in sleeping at night these past few weeks, and having to wake up every two hours for the bathroom, I've had little morning sickness, not many aches and pains, no painful swollen limbs...I've even managed to continue going to work until last Tuesday. Hurrah for me!

Friends have asked if I am excited to give birth. Sure, I am excited to see the little ones, but also a little worried. What if they don't turn out like how I imagine them to be? Will I be disappointed? Or will I love them anyway...our flesh and blood after all, created from the love Kimmy and I have for each other. I am also a little scared of the operation. It sounds so major, cutting through layers of flesh. I take heart in knowing that many friends have gone through this before me and they are fine. I shall occupy my mind in that time praying, God gives the best comfort. Kimmy will be there too, but I suspect he might make me laugh to calm (his own) nerves, but I wonder if there are side effects to one laughing while going through surgery...

I have spent this weekend eating everything I've been missing for awhile, starting with Bedok Blk 85 Bak Chor Mee soup on Friday night, sausages for lunch on Saturday, and Jumbo Chilli Crab with mantou for dinner. I would probably have a huge rice dish, Singapore Fried Hokkien Mee, and coconut juice tonight at Whampoa Food Centre as well...and then it's a month of boring confinement food. It's not that I am complaining about eating good nutritious food in the month ahead, but the thought of adhering to a planned diet, and little room for spontaneity, it dulls my mind and makes me bored. I should be grateful that Mother-in-law cares for me enough to cook good food, I just hope she makes delicious pork soups and steamed cod fish - yummy - and steers clear of Chicken Essence and Fish Essence (!).

I am also anticipating a month of fatigue looking after babies, with nothing much to do in between but sleep and eat. My mother is going to be staying over and I hope Kimmy doesn't complain too much about that. Everyone is generously offering their help for free so I hope he sees that!

The weather - I am praying it stays cool and fairly windy. Less sun will be good, the house can be like a furnace, and turning on the aircon 24/7 is not the best plan. The heat doesn't help to dry cloth diapers either, what I need is wind.

In the meantime, I am resting at home, enjoying the babies' squirming in my belly, and appreciating everything I have. Tomorrow will be a new day, a new and exciting world awaits...

Am I a worrywart?

I seem to be worrying all the time these days. Will I be predisposing my children to being easily-depressed, unhappy individuals because they are experiencing my emotions whilst they are inside me? I try to cheer up and look at the positive side of things, but sometimes, life really does weigh me down.

Recently, I have had to deal with the passing of my grandmother, the only one I knew. I was sad but I know this is the cycle of life, and she was weak and well in her years. I now worry about my grandfather, whether he will be lonely and sad, and I worry if he will lose his love of life and go too. I feel bad I cannot visit him more often in my state, but I hope to do so in the months to come.

I worry for my father. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital 2 months ago, and came out weak and disoriented. He has recovered his strength and is able to go about his daily chores now, but he is plagued by strange itchiness on his scalp and sudden swellings in his eyes. He eats less and loses appetite easily, and seems to lose weight at every doctor's visit. I encourage him and chide him into eating more but he refuses. I worry he might still be ill, and that hospital doctors are usually too stupid to figure things out until it's too late. He wants to go back to work but I worry he isn't energetic enough. I worry that he worries he will run out of money, and there's nothing I can do to help him out because I can barely make ends meet myself.

I worry for my mother, I hope she isn't stressed out by these events. I worry my dog will be abandoned by my parents on the streets. I worry if it comes down to the crunch, my husband will not accept my dog as part of my life and send her to the SPCA. I worry for my brother who is having problems with his girlfriend, who is also struggling with problems of her own. I worry for their sanity, their life, and their future (although I know it's none of my business).

I worry for my business, whether I can cope with family and work. I worry if I'd have enough financially to help my husband support the house and home. As it is, food and petrol are getting so expensive it's just ridiculous. I worry if I'd be able to be a good mom. I worry if my in-laws will have problems taking care of two little ones, especially since my father-in-law is quite hard-headed and bigoted in thinking sometimes.

I also worry if my babies will be ok. They are so happy kicking around in my belly now I really hope and pray they will be happy, cheerful babies who are smart, have great eyesight and hearing, natural talents and abilities...and not worry all the time like me. I worry if I can survive the birthing and healing ordeal (although many friends have, and if they have, I will too?).

There's also the extremely depressing event that is the March 11th Sendai earthquake, coupled with a few others in the region, and some volcanoes spewing ash and lava for good measure. Will everything be ok again for the people in the affected zones? Or is this the coming of the end of the world?

So am I a worrywart? I certainly believe that without God, I'd be a wreck now. I have to constantly remind myself of that though...that He will be there for me, to carry me and lead me. I am thankful I still have savings, that I have a roof over my head, the means to buy baby essentials, and the tremendous support I have been receiving from friends and family. Am I just hormonal? After all, a life-changing event is going to happen soon, perhaps I am stressed out by it? And I can't share my feelings with my husband – men just aren't hardwired to understand why some women experience worry for others on such a deep level.

It's my birthday...

Today's my birthday and traditionally, I'd be filled with mixed emotions, maybe with a dash of depression, some wistful longing...blah blah... But the year that has passed has been filled with many happenings, and the year ahead holds exciting ones. So being in much better spirits, I would like to take this opportunity to make a dedication to some very lovely people in my life.

My husband, for helping me all these many months, for doing the washing of the toilet, for not messing up the house, and for assisting in keeping the home as neat and clean as possible. Many thanks also for painting the nursery and moving furniture, and for building two chest of drawers, and general menial work. He's my strongman around the house, or source of cheap labour. I have been thinking of getting him a Timbuk2 diaper bag as a reward, but I know he wouldn't mind even if I conveniently forgot...

Good friend Awwesome Possum. Without this woman, there will be no one to run errands, walk miles, and carry things, as well as do some heavy-lifting and cutting in office. Thank you for your patience, understanding, and for your lovely baby-related gifts. Must thank you in advance for assisting in producing 50 cute little giftboxes for guests too!

My mother-in-law, for helping out in the housework all these months. Without her, I'd have to do backbreaking tasks like dusting, sweeping, mopping, and get very frustrated by all the dust and hair.

My mother, for sewing me bedsheets, pillow and bolster cases, and some blankets, and for enquiring on my health on a regular basis. Thank you also, for looking after Daddy, so that I wouldn't be stressed out thinking of him.

My brother, who is still the messiest person I know, for his recent attempts at being a filial son, ferrying my parents around and taking care of my father when he was in hospital. (You could do more about the messy bit though...)

Agnes and Maxilline, for taking care of Gong Gong and Po Po all these years. For keeping them company at home, giving comfort to Po Po when she was here, for teaching Gong Gong how to use Facebook (!).

All my friends, relatives, and church members, for their care, concern, and well wishes. For the gifts some of them have blessed me with – grateful thanks!

Everybody on Facebook who has wished me on my wall!


Thank you very much for all your love. It is more than any gift I can receive. =)

PS - birthday pic taken was from 2010. I had a slice of cake last night as birthday cake, but forgot the candle and the wish...oops...

In loving memory...

Today is one of those days. A strange celebration of life and death. I will be attending a baby shower, a baby full moon, and a wake.

My grandmother passed away last night. I didn't get to see her since Chinese New Year, and even then, she was fine and alert, though weak and tired.

Popo has been relatively inactive for the past ten years. But most of us attributed it to the fact that she became quite lazy to walk around, preferring to rely on the domestic helpers to push her in a wheelchair, or help her to the living room where she sat the whole day watching TV. She did, however, suffer from arthiritis for nearly 40 years and that was perhaps the worst discomfort. A few years ago, she had a ballooning done on her heart artery. Besides that, and her arthiritis, she had few other problems.

In the last two weeks, her blood pressure and heartbeat dropped drastically. I guess she was just too tired to go on. It's sad for me as she could have become a great-grandma in a month's time or so. Alas, this is not to be.

I shall cherish the memories I have of her, her kindness and love.

Jostling

The babies have been jostling for space in my belly recently. Sometimes, it feels like one of them is pushing the other to make space for herself. And in return, the other one pushes back. It really is quite cute, but the movements are strong and can be shocking.

It's enjoyable to watch them play though... :) Hope my tummy and uterus stretches even more so that they can grow bigger, much bigger.

The suffering of the mommy

This post is a TMI one (too much info). If you think you're going to be bothered by details of bodily fluids, please do continue onto the next post here. :)

Being a mom is never easy. I know this but I have discovered that it starts in the 9 months of pregnancy. In the last one week, I have had a fungal infection resulting in bright-coloured discharge, Braxton Hicks contractions, sharp pains in my pelvic region, hemorrhoids, and leg cramps! Perhaps it's due to stress from my dad being admitted to hospital for a lung ailment, or anxiety in trying to finish a backlog of work...but I have realised that my days of happy pain-free brisk-walking are over!

I have had a relatively good first trimester ― little nausea and morning sickness ― and a great second trimester so far. Third trimesters aren't supposed to be easy and it's probably our body's way of preparing us for the days (and years) to come. Because of this week of pregnancy ailments hitting on consecutive days, I must have emailed my gynae 6 times, surfed a few dozen websites, and called every friend who was pregnant before to ask for advice. Panic strikes, yes. I was terribly worried about preterm labour as well, but it seems so far, I should be fine for now (though it would be hard to think such thoughts when there is pain and discharge!)

Moving on, I have to learn to adjust my diet to include even more wholemeal bread, vegetables, and fruits, and to walk more slowly and climb less stairs. No more long walks or rushing for the bus and train. I think I might even have to buy a pregnancy belt and compression stockings. Heck, I might even have to start paying cab fare.

I hope you aren't put off having kids, if you are a woman and have yet to give birth (and would like to). Being pregnant ain't easy but having the baby kick and punch you from the inside is a truly unique and special experience. Very intimate, and makes you feel very joyful.

Our first purchases for the little ones

I have been putting off buying anything whatsoever for the babies. Maybe I've been a little wary and cautious, disbelieving even, but I didn't want to rush into buying a whole list of items and have something bad happen. Most pregnant women wouldn't worry about such things, but I am not one of them. After numerous setbacks, the possibility of even holding my children in my arms is something I treasure deeply, and maybe even something I can hardly believe is true.

So, after many months, this is what we have got to show.

The hubs bought a (as in one piece) Babyland reusable diaper just to see how it works.


I bought some cute rompers as a gift for the husband's birthday.


Good friend AwwesomePossum gifted us with a gorgeous baby bag that's huge, functional and waterproof! (Thank you soooo much!)


And our first big ticket item - baby cots and mattresses - only because there was a sale with further discounts!

Men can't listen to instructions

Men. They have really good intentions when it comes to their home and family. But due to strange hard-wiring in their brain, they just simply can't follow instructions.

The hubs has been hard at work these few days preparing the nursery. He moved the TV, console, and Starhub unit to the study and wired up a new TV cable, complete with covered casing. Highly commendable. However, he failed to notice that his casing had gaping holes at every joint and bend, because he didn't know how to cut the casing at an angle so the edges would meet. I had to come home and show him how to do it.

Yesterday, he painted the room. It was a somber blue colour but now it's a bright cheery pale-yellow. Great work, considering he single-handedly painted it, all day. He, however, ignored my instructions to tape the power points, window sill, and skirting with masking tape. He also did not tape up the door frame. The result is a mess of yellow paint on all the above mentioned items. Being a neurotic perfectionist, I was disheartened to see the shoddy work, especially on the grey door frame, which could not be painted over because we ran out of grey paint.

To add to this, he did not cover the floor with newspapers despite me placing them in the room for his use. Now there are pale-yellow blemishes on my parquet floor and I do not know if it's reversible. (Thank goodness I covered the sofa with a huge old bedsheet. Who knows what it might look like had I not done that!) And just this morning, I discovered he painted onto the ceiling because he thought it wasn't noticeable. So I have an untidy patchy ceiling edge as well.

I really admire his love and perseverance in his little handyman tasks around the home, but dismayed that his laziness and slipshod attitude prevailed. I didn't want to nag, but felt I had to give him my advice and instructions...which obviously fell on deaf ears. In future, I feel compelled to do all the "prep-work" before he embarks on a task.

Update: The husband has cleaned away all the paint marks and smoothed the paint work. The wall's not perfect, and there is a feathering effect way up on the ceiling...but I can live with it. :) Yokatte ne!

Becoming a parent...

There are so many hurdles to becoming a parent, so many challenges and tests...I wonder if it's even possible to make it there. Having been reproductively challenged for many years, my husband and I sought out fertility treatments and eventually conceived via IVF. As we've never
gotten pregnant before, we wouldn't have known how my womb would 'take' to implanted embryos. Hence we had two put back in, for safe measure.

We spent weeks in a slightly agonizing wait, and then discovered we were going to have twins! We were thrilled and overjoyed, that is, until the doctor told us the extra problems that might arise due to twins. Great, he says this AFTER we had them transferred in. Don't worry we will take care of you, the doctor said. And indeed the centre did, for they put us through a whole host of tests to ensure the babies were progressing well, at the expense of making us panic and
worry.

At every step of the way there were scares. Test this test that. All kinds of abnormalities could arise and the doctors do want to ensure you know your risks before giving birth and perhaps blaming them for mis-information.

Currently, we're in between appointments and waiting for our detailed 20 week scan. We're eager to see the scans again, but in the meantime, trying to relax and enjoy the pregnancy as well. :)

Tiring times

These are tiring times. Work has been tough lately, with many challenges thrown my way every single day. Competition has increased in the wedding stationery industry and customers are again turning to the traditional hotel card (albeit almost free but not as pretty) to fulfill their needs.
Physically I haven't been feeling all perky and energetic as well, and sometimes, life can weigh me down.

On the other hand, I have been very busy (or at least trying to!) with various projects at home and at work, and with many good things to look forward to, this age-old adage popped into my head -- "No pain, no gain".

So very true.