Impatience and fear.

It suddenly dawned on me that I feel wary and apprehensive when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together. And when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together in public, people smile at me and say they are such lovely kids. I, too, think they are lovely. But often not for long. And this stresses me out greatly. Of late, they are more whiny and irritating than angelic. Is it a phase they are going through? Am I not spending quality time with them? Or am I just an impatient mother with a low tolerance level for unreasonable behavior, something which seems common in small children.

Just this morning, the daughter needed 30 minutes of coaxing to get out of bed to brush teeth. I had to prepare their breakfast, and told her to rinse her mouth by herself. She snapped. Ran to the kitchen with her foamy mouth crying. (Why?!) I seriously couldn't take it, but told her to go back to the toilet to rinse. Her grandma helped her. But she was still in "let's agitate mom" mode after. Time was running out. I grabbed her and brought her to her room to change. She insisted she couldn't go to school, and wouldn't wear the cute cheongsam that was to be the attire for today's Racial Harmony Day. After some struggle, I got her into her dress and gave her milk to drink. She screamed and said she didn't want to drink, and that's when I snapped, and smacked her on her hand. She screamed even louder and I smacked her again. (I just know the smacking doesn't work but I still do it – why?!) Thank God the grandma came to the rescue at that point. I stomped away.

This seems to be happening on a daily basis now (not the smacking, just the bouts of screaming). I don't know what to do. Most days I try to calm myself and ignore them. They've been fighting a lot too, which is difficult because I don't know how to mediate without taking sides. When they are on their best behavior, cheery and cooperative, I hold my breath and tread carefully. I hear this voice telling me that this should not be the way, bringing up kids should not entail fear. Everyday I tell myself this is why I cannot have anymore children -- I am a busy and impatient working mother who struggles with anger and stress management issues -- and yet I hang back on making an official announcement, if only to myself. The working mothers with domestic helpers don't understand. They have screaming kids too, but don't have frazzled lives. People say that work-life balance is important. My work-life balance is a fog of fuzzy boundaries -- I spend time with the kids 7 days a week, and I also work 7 days a week, with whatever time I can spare.

And there are other stresses. Financial issues. Outstanding debt. Retirement preparation. Many times I wonder how far I will remain in this world. I don't know what God has in store for me, but what if it's to suffer and die young? Should I be prepared for this?

Maybe I need to talk to somebody with real problems like mine. Most people look at me and think I am doing a great job, but it hardly feels so. I wonder if my kids will grow up high-strung and a bit crazy like I am. I certainly don't wish so but with my own mother's tendency to jump to conclusions, and my own moody outbursts, I know that if they look at me, they will learn from me.

I must endeavour.

Three.

My kids will be turning 3 soon. How time flies indeed, you can never say this enough! I cannot believe I have had NO time to write any blog entry at all. Perhaps it's because of my new job at the very fabulous The Paper Stone. So many things to do, so little time.

It's another few weeks to their birthday, but I am making some notes as a record of the happenings so far. Ever since Chinese New Year in January, I resolved never to spank them again, never scream or raise my voice (yes, I am really high-strung), and to settle issues in a mature and restrained manner. With the one exception of me spanking Amelie for her tantrums before school in the morning, I've kept a good track record.

Now, I do time-ins with them. I speak softly and try to reason to them as best as they can understand. If they refuse to calm down, I threaten them with restriction of privileges -- no going out, no TV, no toys, no sweets. And when they are good, they get rewarded with special things they love. I have also started a star chart, which really works! They have received three rewards already and I think they really love the system!

Hope to keep this up forever. I want them to be happy girls who learn that in life, one has to bear the consequences of their actions, and that there are certain limits to the things they can and cannot do. I want them to be wholesome and obedient children, generous, kind, helpful, friendly, and loving.

Happy birthday A&A! :)

Bangkok 2013

Just a diary of events that happened. For personal memory.
 
Monday 25/11

Played at Changi playground, ate at lounge happily. Kids helped to push luggage. Walked with us as we took train to hotel.

Meltdown = Amelie unreasonable and crying on plane. 

Stress = Astelle insisting on peepee even tho gonna land already. Fidgeting in seat with seatbelt and tray.

Tuesday 26/11

Had good time at pool and bathtub. Bought a few nice things from platinum and ate nice ramen. Amelie got scratched on back and cheek. 

Meltdown = Amelie cried and complained for nearly one hour before bedtime. Wanted to go home. 

Stress = Astelle kept scratching. Kids didn't like walking. Kept insisting on doing own things, not holding hands. Both fought for luggage pushing and bag carrying.

Wednesday 27/11

Good girls. Walked, shopped, looked at things. Ate properly. Snacked a lot. Went toilet by asking. Made it through a night market.

Meltdown = 0

Stress = minimal

Thursday 28/11

Went Siam malls. Saw a protest on street. Astelle ask for toilet at wrong times and the toilets so freakin far away. Had to carry so heavy. Kids were otherwise fine coz had nap at food court. Bought stuff at least. 

Meltdown = 0.5

Stress = some due to long walks up and down malls

Friday 29/11

Hung out at Terminal 21 and hotel. Kids noisy coz tired and needed naps. Amelie got a scratch on her arm. Made it to railway station in one piece. Airport sucks. Food shops so far away. Girls very good on plane. No crying. 

Meltdown = 0

Stress = minimal

Woman

I wish there was someone out there who would think that I am unpredictable, exciting, witty, fun, cute, and funny. Womanly, girlish, smart, intelligent, interesting, and engaging. Mature and innocent, old yet beautiful, young and impulsive. That I am someone to talk to, whether fluffy stuff or deep conversations.

And of course love me for all these and more.

Austerity measures. A soliloquy.

From 1st January 2013, I have been adopting austerity measures in a bid to save more money. The need to save more money is important to my husband's and my life goals, retirement plans, and my children's future. It's been four months and I am feeling the strain.

I was very determined in the beginning. I ate cheap, skipped lunch if I had a heavy breakfast, and never paid for someone to make coffee for me. I also stopped shopping for myself after Chinese new year. I do buy toiletries and necessities, but only when in dire need.

Recently, I realised my average lunch cost was getting higher and higher. I simply could not bring myself to eat some crappy food court meal at $4 anymore. $4 by many's standards is high for a lousy meal. But nowadays I was paying $6-12. I also spent a lot on my kids' birthday gifts. It felt like I was let loose. Consoling myself that it was a valid reason to shop, I bought anything on a whim. You can't blame me, I was shopping-repressed.

Just today, I had a disagreement with the husband on travelling by budget airlines for a holiday. A friend advised against budget airlines for an 8-hour flight. I totally understand the pain, especially with two 2-year olds in tow. But the hubs balks at the few thousand dollar bill just for flights. I understand that pain too. It seems so much for a one week's worth of gratification. But I'm angry still. Whatever it is, I'm disappointed and angry.

You see, I've been working very hard these last four months. Working my ass off in whatever time I had. I've had numerous jobs and they pay me alright. I earn a good keep, not great but good. I am tired working two jobs (the other being a full time mom!) in 16 hour shifts (or 24 hour if you consider a mom's job), and here I am, not able to reap any reward for my hard work. I don't have time for pedicures, I don't go for facials or spa treatments. I don't shop. I hardly have time for lunch chats or tea sessions with friends. I don't go on holidays. And I always feel pressured to eat the cheapest food available.

Am I normal to feel the need for instant gratification? I know If I wait, better things will come. But this wait makes my patience grow thin. It's also sad to see how everyone else around me seemingly having a much more fun time than I am. I feel entitled and I know that is quite wrong too.

As I wrestle with these feelings, the dawn of a new day beckons. And it's back to the grind again...

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Crap, its 2am, and I'm still awake. As I lie here regretting my caffeine excess today, I marvel that my little girls have turned 2, and that on this day 2 years ago, they were pulled from my tummy (the one that's still way too big and flabby...), and brought into my world. It's been an amazing journey, a rollercoaster of emotions, more to come I'm sure.

As I ponder my future and impending change, I hope to be able to spend more time with friends and family, so that my kids can know them too, and come to love them like I do. Things come and things go... I made new friends in these 2 years, and lost some too. And as my kids reach school going age (in Singapore, even nursery is considered school), I hope that they will be able to make friends and cherish them for years to come. At the moment they have each other, and it's not always peaches and cream with their completely different personalities. Still, the joy of the experience of twins is something that will always be previous to me.

The demise of old things

I lament the demise of old technology, and some other things from the past. Recently, my printer told me the (very old) machine they had which could do a specific type of embossing for printing had spoiled. Being an old machine, there was little chance to get it repaired. I was distraught as a client had ordered her invitations to be done with the embossing. Being very nice printers, they asked around friends and peers, but nobody was doing this printing method anymore. I was dismayed. Partly because I knew my client would be too, but also because I could not offer this service to future clients... and it really is a pretty effect.

I also heard that the wet market near my home was slated for a month-long renovation. Mother in law was distraught. Hubby said we could just get groceries from NTUC, no big deal. But wet markets are different. There you can get large sized eggs at $1.90, which at NTUC would probably be $3.00. And garlic comes supersized too -- more fragrant and juicy and nice to cook with. Vegetables are also plumper and fresher.

I hope wet markets never cease to exist in Singapore. It would be a time to mourn indeed.