Love is.

Have you ever wondered why some people share a love so different from the one you have? Everybody's love is different -- or love language is different (you can google this) -- but you still wonder. It makes me moody to witness people share a love unlike mine. Perhaps it's a phlethora of gifts, unlimited displays of affection, neverending words of care and concern, undying expressions of "I love you".

Anyway I don't like to watch them. Because I don't receive them.

Sour grapes I know.

:(

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I don't regularly do posts. But I have to document this, my thoughts and feelings, pain and anguish which I cannot share with anyone in particular. I know I brought it upon myself, perhaps I thought it was for the best. Best future.

It's my job. A job which I have invested much time, all my bank savings, and even more risk. I love what I do but it seems I am a mis-fit with my partner. I feel like I am in an abusive relationship that I cannot get out of. It also feels like I am incompetent to do the job. I am no longer as careful and detailed as I used to be, and I always seem to have varying views from what constitutes as "best for the company". I guess if I ran a company, it would go into the ground.

I don't have a degree, nor strings of it. I have a humble education, which in most circumstances would warrant a very small job somewhere in a small company, with no future in sight. I don't have a lot of smarts -- my friends have MBAs from Ivies -- and it took me nearly 20 years to learn the things most young people nowadays learn in 2. Maybe I am just stupid and dumb, ignorant and naive. I just can't grasp complex concepts. Neither can I make appropriate business decisions for the greater good.

Which brings me to the company. Despite my investing time, effort, money, it pales in comparison to what others can bring to the table. I am sure others can put more time, more effort, better smarts, immensely more money, into this growing company than I can. But I tried my best. On hindsight, I am but a little ant worker, thinking I had the confidence to be the queen. My friends stroke my confidence, but they love me, and they wish me well. I reckon I really can't make it, but just attempting to, and perhaps deluding myself into believing I can.

My partners don't seem to appreciate my value or worth. They would have given me shares without money if they did. Although again, I convince myself the money is a contribution of what I can offer, perhaps in exchange for my low value. My partner thinks I am slipshod and careless in my work. Maybe they think I have given too little of my time, effort, and money. I offer suggestions as best as I can, my experience in my field, my observations of the industry. I guess these are failed attempts at trying to be clever. Maybe it really is just a mis-fit, of how two people try to work together but don't have the same views. It's very much like a marriage between two people who are totally different from each other, but have gone so deep and long in their time together that they are inextricably tied and separation will just cause more pain and trouble.

I don't know what to do. I can't even begin to think of an exit plan. The nearest will be a few years away. Perhaps things will be better then. I should remain more steadfast and drown my sorrows quietly. I can stay silent. Only God knows. And He will help me... I think...

My confidence is weak. My hope is bruised. My future remains bleak. I think of my kids, my husband, have I failed them? Have I dragged them down the wrong hole?

And in the meantime, I can only put up in silence. What can I do? And even if I think my work is shit, I better just pretend I am confident about it. What can I do? A whole load of negativity will just make things worse, so I can pretend to be optimistic and positive, and maybe some of it will just rub off and make life better.

I can only try.

But I sometimes wish I could give up.

God I am so weak about such things...

Thank you Diary, for listening.

Je Nas Sai Pas

I don't know why. Recently we've been quarrelling a lot. Is that what 10 years of marriage does to you? Or am I just too stressed lately by the intense workload. I sold myself to my company I know, but with good cause. I am doing it for my family's future. But I also feel entitled to the title of "most hardworking" in the family, despite his protests. I have to be a mom, a business person, a designer, a marketer, a teacher, a maid, a wife, a daughter -- all within the space of 24 hours. Did I mention I hardly get sleep?

I have been sick every month since the beginning of 2015. I have been sick for over a week now. Nobody cares. Really. My daughter coughs at night and everyone worries. I cough at night and my husband sleeps soundly. People just say "What's wrong with you! Why is your immunity so bad?"

I wonder too. But I am praying I get 9 straight months of strong health and I believe He will deliver. I need it too. With the new product line-up, trade shows and overseas work trips...things are going to be tough.

I just wish I get the support I need from the family. I cannot afford a domestic helper. Dashed also are my hopes of having another child. Maybe I can wait till 40. My embryos certainly can, but not sure about my body.

Good night.

Tips for Twins #1: Night Feeds

I'm starting "Tips for Twins" for all mommies needing some tips and encouragement on being mothers of twins, or even singletons. It's so hard to be a mom, a very steep learning curve, but I made it, and so can you. I had a lot of advice when I had just given birth, so I hope to pass on these valuable words to you.

If you're a mommy, you'd know that night feeds are the hardest with twins, especially if you've had no help. I didn't have a confinement nanny – hubby took a whole month's leave and we did the first 4 weeks together. He had to go back to work after that month, so it was just me.

I am so not a night-person. Getting up to feed the babies was an immense struggle. All. The. Time. And with twins. OMG. I made it through in a dazed state every night, ignoring baby cries by being too sleepy to bother. To this day, many moms still ask me how I did it. There are some tips to handling this situation in a calm and sane manner.

1. Prepare bottles of formula beforehand. So you can just pour water.
 
2. Warming up pre-expressed breast milk is a tad harder though. From the fridge, they will be cold and take at least 5 mins to warm up. 5 mins is an eternity with little babies. If you're latching on direct, you'd have no problems. So it might be good to do that for night feeds.
 
3. Don't fret if one of the twins are crying. Unfortunately, if there's only you, they'd just have to take turns. That said, it can be extremely stressful when one baby is screaming in the dead of the night while you're trying to handle the other one. But unless you're latching on both at the same time, there's no choice but to let baby wait. Take care of one first, and then the second one -- diaper change, milk, diaper change. Proceed to second baby. If first baby needs more milk (God knows why they sometimes drink so much milk and poop so much!), handle second baby first, then go back to first baby. They won't die from screaming, so don't worry. It's just that your family (or the neighbourhood) might be awakened by the cries.

4. Diaper changes – you have to learn to do them fast, especially in the night. I was somewhat of an expert, able to change two babies in the same time the lady at the next door cubicle in the mall was able to change her one baby. Haha....

5. Sometimes your babies might not want to sleep when you put them back in the bed. This one is a bit of a problem. I mean, you're exhausted and wanna go back to bed, but baby wants to play?! (Or babies!) I'd say pray hard, rock them a little, put them down, and use helping aids like musical mobiles and such. You could cuddle one to sleep, but hopefully the other doesn't need your attention so much.

6. Go to sleep ASAP. You never know when the babies are gonna wake up again! Try to rest as much as possible.

7. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask. Hubby was doing the "night shift" one day and came to ask me for help because one of the girls kept wanting milk and refused to sleep. He left her on the floor and didn't know what to do anymore. Think he fed her 3 times...

8. Get someone to do the morning shift while you get a good nap. I think a 4 hour nap for new mothers should suffice, enough to recharge your body and energy. Rotating in shifts works better for our mental and physical health. If you can, get the husband or someone to do 6 hour rotating shifts for the night and morning. During confinement, hubby did the 12-6am shift, and then I woke up to continue while he went to bed. It was much better than two people being stoned all day because they had to struggle for the night feeds.
9. Cry if you have to, but wipe it up, thank heavens for your baby, and soldier on.

10. Thou shalt all pass. Time flies, and you'd look back and marvel that you made it through. I know I do!


Take care mommies (and daddies)! Ganbatte ne! You can do it. :)

xoxo,
mommy of the crazy twin girls

The CTG Honest Review of Cool-de-Sac

Ok, so there are plenty of mommy/daddy blogs out there with honest reviews of kids activity playgrounds and other such places. So I'm not going to do that. Not that I won't be honest, but that I think I should be brutally honest instead.

Today's playground in question: Cool de Sac

Location: Great! Suntec City, accessible by bus, MRT, Taxi, Car. Ample parking space in the carpark. Apparently, nobody's back in Suntec City after their massive renovation, so if you go on weekends, you'd find plenty of space in the carpark, and no queues at the eateries.

What's innit: This franchise from the United States boasts "stations" within their playground, like physical structures for climbing and freeplay, a drawing area, a stage for dress-up and face painting, an extensive lego section, a video game console section for older kids (or their dads), and of course a toddler zone with soft structures and mini ball pit. There's also a seating area where you can order food from their attached bistro.

The scoop: Ok, so my kids are 3, and they love playgrounds. They love to run, jump, climb, and take slides. So the slides featured well in their play itinerary. Unfortunately this slide area is kind of small, and challenging for their height. But with 3 year-olds, it kept them entertained for a long time. There's also a flying fox station, which unlike the automatic one at Polliwogs Robertson Walk, this one is "manually operated" by a staff member, who "carries" the child along the flying fox. (Poor fella, we asked him how long he had to do that and he said his shift was like 8 hours, haha!) There's also this climbing bridge/treehouse/thingy where the twins had fun up and down with.

The other stations weren't too appealing for them - they couldn't play video games (the games kind of suck and the consoles seemed a tad faulty), the wait for dress-up and face painting was waaaayyyy too long. And drawing and lego only held their attention for 10mins because hey, they do that at home all the time. There's also a toddler area for under 3s which is pretty spacious, but nowhere as entertaining as the RW Polliwogs one (that one has 2 slides for "babies", mind you!)

Decor: Bright, spacious, airy. Has glass windows. Great lighting. Loads of colour, very nicely done.
 
Details: Shoe locker and stroller parking area is probably ample for weekdays, but we went on a Saturday morning, and boy, it was overflowing. Parking strollers was a challenge... they were parked until outside of the designated zone. The staff's attention to temperature-taking and hand-sanitizing was low too -- they did not bother at all. However, they had many many staff. All of them were friendly, and it was good because they helped mind the kids. But it must create very high operational costs for Cool de Sac (read: higher entry fees for us).

Verdict: It's a little expensive for me to bring both kids here on a weekend all the time, (I think they have packages though), but if you're in the area and need a rest from whiny kids, I think Cool de Sac should more than suffice. There's also a large area and bistro for you to chill while your kids play. Because the playground is spacious without tall structures and pillars, it's pretty easy to keep an eye on your kids too. I didn't try the food but the pizzas look good. And yes, there are areas for holding parties as well.

Cool de Sac
3 Temasek Boulevard

Suntec City Mall #02-379/80

Singapore 038983

http://cooldesac.com.sg/

Admissions

Weekdays

Children under 6 months           FREE
Children under 3 years old        $10

Children from 3-12 years old     $20

Weekends
Children under 6 months           FREE

Children under 3 years old        $13

Children from 3-12 years old     $26

Information: 

1. Unlimited play time per admission
2. 2 accompanying adults are allowed in free with every child
3. Subsequent accompanying adult is charged @ $5
4. Socks are to be worn at all times

Impatience and fear.

It suddenly dawned on me that I feel wary and apprehensive when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together. And when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together in public, people smile at me and say they are such lovely kids. I, too, think they are lovely. But often not for long. And this stresses me out greatly. Of late, they are more whiny and irritating than angelic. Is it a phase they are going through? Am I not spending quality time with them? Or am I just an impatient mother with a low tolerance level for unreasonable behavior, something which seems common in small children.

Just this morning, the daughter needed 30 minutes of coaxing to get out of bed to brush teeth. I had to prepare their breakfast, and told her to rinse her mouth by herself. She snapped. Ran to the kitchen with her foamy mouth crying. (Why?!) I seriously couldn't take it, but told her to go back to the toilet to rinse. Her grandma helped her. But she was still in "let's agitate mom" mode after. Time was running out. I grabbed her and brought her to her room to change. She insisted she couldn't go to school, and wouldn't wear the cute cheongsam that was to be the attire for today's Racial Harmony Day. After some struggle, I got her into her dress and gave her milk to drink. She screamed and said she didn't want to drink, and that's when I snapped, and smacked her on her hand. She screamed even louder and I smacked her again. (I just know the smacking doesn't work but I still do it – why?!) Thank God the grandma came to the rescue at that point. I stomped away.

This seems to be happening on a daily basis now (not the smacking, just the bouts of screaming). I don't know what to do. Most days I try to calm myself and ignore them. They've been fighting a lot too, which is difficult because I don't know how to mediate without taking sides. When they are on their best behavior, cheery and cooperative, I hold my breath and tread carefully. I hear this voice telling me that this should not be the way, bringing up kids should not entail fear. Everyday I tell myself this is why I cannot have anymore children -- I am a busy and impatient working mother who struggles with anger and stress management issues -- and yet I hang back on making an official announcement, if only to myself. The working mothers with domestic helpers don't understand. They have screaming kids too, but don't have frazzled lives. People say that work-life balance is important. My work-life balance is a fog of fuzzy boundaries -- I spend time with the kids 7 days a week, and I also work 7 days a week, with whatever time I can spare.

And there are other stresses. Financial issues. Outstanding debt. Retirement preparation. Many times I wonder how far I will remain in this world. I don't know what God has in store for me, but what if it's to suffer and die young? Should I be prepared for this?

Maybe I need to talk to somebody with real problems like mine. Most people look at me and think I am doing a great job, but it hardly feels so. I wonder if my kids will grow up high-strung and a bit crazy like I am. I certainly don't wish so but with my own mother's tendency to jump to conclusions, and my own moody outbursts, I know that if they look at me, they will learn from me.

I must endeavour.

Three.

My kids will be turning 3 soon. How time flies indeed, you can never say this enough! I cannot believe I have had NO time to write any blog entry at all. Perhaps it's because of my new job at the very fabulous The Paper Stone. So many things to do, so little time.

It's another few weeks to their birthday, but I am making some notes as a record of the happenings so far. Ever since Chinese New Year in January, I resolved never to spank them again, never scream or raise my voice (yes, I am really high-strung), and to settle issues in a mature and restrained manner. With the one exception of me spanking Amelie for her tantrums before school in the morning, I've kept a good track record.

Now, I do time-ins with them. I speak softly and try to reason to them as best as they can understand. If they refuse to calm down, I threaten them with restriction of privileges -- no going out, no TV, no toys, no sweets. And when they are good, they get rewarded with special things they love. I have also started a star chart, which really works! They have received three rewards already and I think they really love the system!

Hope to keep this up forever. I want them to be happy girls who learn that in life, one has to bear the consequences of their actions, and that there are certain limits to the things they can and cannot do. I want them to be wholesome and obedient children, generous, kind, helpful, friendly, and loving.

Happy birthday A&A! :)

Bangkok 2013

Just a diary of events that happened. For personal memory.
 
Monday 25/11

Played at Changi playground, ate at lounge happily. Kids helped to push luggage. Walked with us as we took train to hotel.

Meltdown = Amelie unreasonable and crying on plane. 

Stress = Astelle insisting on peepee even tho gonna land already. Fidgeting in seat with seatbelt and tray.

Tuesday 26/11

Had good time at pool and bathtub. Bought a few nice things from platinum and ate nice ramen. Amelie got scratched on back and cheek. 

Meltdown = Amelie cried and complained for nearly one hour before bedtime. Wanted to go home. 

Stress = Astelle kept scratching. Kids didn't like walking. Kept insisting on doing own things, not holding hands. Both fought for luggage pushing and bag carrying.

Wednesday 27/11

Good girls. Walked, shopped, looked at things. Ate properly. Snacked a lot. Went toilet by asking. Made it through a night market.

Meltdown = 0

Stress = minimal

Thursday 28/11

Went Siam malls. Saw a protest on street. Astelle ask for toilet at wrong times and the toilets so freakin far away. Had to carry so heavy. Kids were otherwise fine coz had nap at food court. Bought stuff at least. 

Meltdown = 0.5

Stress = some due to long walks up and down malls

Friday 29/11

Hung out at Terminal 21 and hotel. Kids noisy coz tired and needed naps. Amelie got a scratch on her arm. Made it to railway station in one piece. Airport sucks. Food shops so far away. Girls very good on plane. No crying. 

Meltdown = 0

Stress = minimal

Woman

I wish there was someone out there who would think that I am unpredictable, exciting, witty, fun, cute, and funny. Womanly, girlish, smart, intelligent, interesting, and engaging. Mature and innocent, old yet beautiful, young and impulsive. That I am someone to talk to, whether fluffy stuff or deep conversations.

And of course love me for all these and more.

Austerity measures. A soliloquy.

From 1st January 2013, I have been adopting austerity measures in a bid to save more money. The need to save more money is important to my husband's and my life goals, retirement plans, and my children's future. It's been four months and I am feeling the strain.

I was very determined in the beginning. I ate cheap, skipped lunch if I had a heavy breakfast, and never paid for someone to make coffee for me. I also stopped shopping for myself after Chinese new year. I do buy toiletries and necessities, but only when in dire need.

Recently, I realised my average lunch cost was getting higher and higher. I simply could not bring myself to eat some crappy food court meal at $4 anymore. $4 by many's standards is high for a lousy meal. But nowadays I was paying $6-12. I also spent a lot on my kids' birthday gifts. It felt like I was let loose. Consoling myself that it was a valid reason to shop, I bought anything on a whim. You can't blame me, I was shopping-repressed.

Just today, I had a disagreement with the husband on travelling by budget airlines for a holiday. A friend advised against budget airlines for an 8-hour flight. I totally understand the pain, especially with two 2-year olds in tow. But the hubs balks at the few thousand dollar bill just for flights. I understand that pain too. It seems so much for a one week's worth of gratification. But I'm angry still. Whatever it is, I'm disappointed and angry.

You see, I've been working very hard these last four months. Working my ass off in whatever time I had. I've had numerous jobs and they pay me alright. I earn a good keep, not great but good. I am tired working two jobs (the other being a full time mom!) in 16 hour shifts (or 24 hour if you consider a mom's job), and here I am, not able to reap any reward for my hard work. I don't have time for pedicures, I don't go for facials or spa treatments. I don't shop. I hardly have time for lunch chats or tea sessions with friends. I don't go on holidays. And I always feel pressured to eat the cheapest food available.

Am I normal to feel the need for instant gratification? I know If I wait, better things will come. But this wait makes my patience grow thin. It's also sad to see how everyone else around me seemingly having a much more fun time than I am. I feel entitled and I know that is quite wrong too.

As I wrestle with these feelings, the dawn of a new day beckons. And it's back to the grind again...

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Crap, its 2am, and I'm still awake. As I lie here regretting my caffeine excess today, I marvel that my little girls have turned 2, and that on this day 2 years ago, they were pulled from my tummy (the one that's still way too big and flabby...), and brought into my world. It's been an amazing journey, a rollercoaster of emotions, more to come I'm sure.

As I ponder my future and impending change, I hope to be able to spend more time with friends and family, so that my kids can know them too, and come to love them like I do. Things come and things go... I made new friends in these 2 years, and lost some too. And as my kids reach school going age (in Singapore, even nursery is considered school), I hope that they will be able to make friends and cherish them for years to come. At the moment they have each other, and it's not always peaches and cream with their completely different personalities. Still, the joy of the experience of twins is something that will always be previous to me.

The demise of old things

I lament the demise of old technology, and some other things from the past. Recently, my printer told me the (very old) machine they had which could do a specific type of embossing for printing had spoiled. Being an old machine, there was little chance to get it repaired. I was distraught as a client had ordered her invitations to be done with the embossing. Being very nice printers, they asked around friends and peers, but nobody was doing this printing method anymore. I was dismayed. Partly because I knew my client would be too, but also because I could not offer this service to future clients... and it really is a pretty effect.

I also heard that the wet market near my home was slated for a month-long renovation. Mother in law was distraught. Hubby said we could just get groceries from NTUC, no big deal. But wet markets are different. There you can get large sized eggs at $1.90, which at NTUC would probably be $3.00. And garlic comes supersized too -- more fragrant and juicy and nice to cook with. Vegetables are also plumper and fresher.

I hope wet markets never cease to exist in Singapore. It would be a time to mourn indeed.

A prayer of thanks

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the last 365 days of my life. Exactly a year ago at this time, I was waiting in the hospital for my operation to begin. I was excited to see the two little precious princesses who were squirming in my belly. A year has passed and my little girls are now nearly walking and talking. They are getting so smart, so playful. They love to eat, play, and go on outings. It's incredible how You have blessed me. Before this one year, I would never have thought this life was possible, it had existed merely as a hazy dream that I could see but not touch.

Thank you so much for giving me this year. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences, and will definitely continue to do so. But I am happy, and grateful.

In Your holy name.

Amen.

One year!

It's incredible that I have not put in a blog entry in the last 6 months! I have been mighty busy with work and the babies. Sometime after the 6-month mark, they became super demanding, usurping all my time. I could not step away from them without them screaming and crying like the world's gonna end. They had their toys and each other, but it seemed like an adult had to be around to make them feel safe and secure.

In any case, here I am now, hoping to pen my thoughts down. The kids are asleep, mostly through the night, lucky us(!), and I shall spare a few moments to share my experience of crossing the one year mark.


First off, I must remark it has indeed been very fast. In the beginning when the babies just slept, drank milk and pooped all day, I felt tired and bored and time seemed to go very slow. I never believed, or dared to imagine, when some other parent told me how time goes faster with kids. And then when they started trying to talk, and crawl, and walk, and eat solids, etc, the days just whizzed by at breakneck speed. At one moment, I was looking forward to Christmas, or Chinese New Year, or their first holiday... the next moment, their first birthday party is over already. The girls had a swell time I think. I did, though I wished I had more time to chat with anyone for more than 2 minutes! Amelie didn't even want to sleep and had to be coaxed to after 2 hours of playing. Astelle took a 30 minute snooze and got up to say hello to the many guests, and meet the other little babies her age.

Also, babies learn very fast and soak up information like a sponge. It was interesting to see that you just needed to tell them certain things a few times and they'd get it. For example, they clipped their fingers on the drawers a few times and after that, learned to be cautious. They also learned words of their favourite toys like ball or bear pretty fast. However, it does not work when you scold them many times over and over again, not to touch the fan or play with electrical sockets. Arghh!


It's been an amazing journey this past one year. I recently visited a friend who just gave birth, and her baby seemed so small and fragile. It made me think back to the year before when my babies came out all skinny and shrivelled, small but precious. They could only lie down and not do anything, and couldn't use their hands to pick up things. *Sigh* time flies indeed... very soon, they will be 21 and graduating from school...

My babies are half year old!

Time flies...especially when you are having fun. After the initial steep learning curve, the babies have blossomed into curious, active and absolutely adorable creatures. They still cry and scream now and then, mostly to get our attention. But if we look and listen hard, we'd figure out what they want...

Happy 6 months old babies!

Three months on

It's nearly three months since I've gone solo, running Cardblanche by myself. It has been a very busy time, juggling jobs and taking care of the babies at home. I try to do whatever I can when they are napping - emails, tying ribbons, folding stuff... And when I go to the studio I work as hard as can be. It's been somewhat fulfilling and gratifying that I can somehow do this on my own and be able to keep going. What makes it so good is when satisfied clients say thank you when they collect their stationery from me. I try my best to make everyone happy, and I do work hard for my money, so your appreciation really counts in motivating me to do what I love to do.

I must thank heaven as well, for guiding me. I'm always thankful for that. :)

Photo Spam

Photo spam. Just sharing some photos of my babies. :)

End of an 'era', time for a new one

After 8 years, my business partner and good friend, F, and I parted ways. She found a new job, and I found that life with twin girls is nearly all-consuming. There were ups and downs in these past years, but overall I feel it has been an experience like no other. Most people only dream of starting their own business, but we have been there and done that. It wasn't easy, and we struggled, succeeded, struggled again... Methinks the economic recession was a catalyst to people and companies cutting corners, and trimming their budgets. But all in all, I feel we have had provided good quality design work and attentive service, to the best of our ability. Unfortunately, not every client appreciates this, and we have had our fair share of nasty incidents.

Going forward, I hope I can continue to bring in business, do good work, make clients happy, and go home contented with milk powder and diapers for my children. :)

Here's a shot of my new office. And remember, should you need design work or wedding stationery, you know where to find me!

Trials & Tribulations

One of the toughest parts of being a new mom is breastfeeding your child. Before I gave birth, I was determined to breastfeed my twins. How hard could it be? Just let them latch on whilst spacing out in the middle of the night. If need be, I could do one on each side. I read lots of websites on feeding twins and was filled with optimism. Alas, when it came around to doing it, my milk supply came in very slowly, and coupled with newborns who fell asleep halfway through their feed, I was awakened every 30-60 minutes on my first night and was exhausted.

The next day, both babies had high levels of jaundice, and the husband discouraged me from breastfeeding, as breastmilk tends to make jaundice worse. Disappointed, I switched to pumping, and realised my milk levels were actually, quite low. Nevertheless, I continued pumping in hope that the supply would go up. A week later, I started latching on again, hoping that my babies insatiable thirst would increase my milk. Alas, it's been 3 months and despite pumping more frequently, longer, and taking medicines and herbs, nothing has improved. Till today I am still struggling to come to terms with this "loss", should I be happy that my babies are growing chubby and cute anyway? Or should I feel sad that there are many mothers who can provide for all their baby's needs, and I can't even provide for one of my twins?

To add to my stress and woes, my elder twin has a hole in her heart, that whilst small at birth, grew bigger when she was 3 months old. There's hope that it may close up in future, or that it may never affect her health in any way, but for a first-time mom, news of such sort can be worrying and upsetting.

Despite all these, being a parent is very rewarding. The feeling of waking up in the morning and seeing your happy and refreshed baby cooing and smiling at you is second to none. And I will not trade that for anything.

I shall persevere...for another 18 years at least...