Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I don't regularly do posts. But I have to document this, my thoughts and feelings, pain and anguish which I cannot share with anyone in particular. I know I brought it upon myself, perhaps I thought it was for the best. Best future.

It's my job. A job which I have invested much time, all my bank savings, and even more risk. I love what I do but it seems I am a mis-fit with my partner. I feel like I am in an abusive relationship that I cannot get out of. It also feels like I am incompetent to do the job. I am no longer as careful and detailed as I used to be, and I always seem to have varying views from what constitutes as "best for the company". I guess if I ran a company, it would go into the ground.

I don't have a degree, nor strings of it. I have a humble education, which in most circumstances would warrant a very small job somewhere in a small company, with no future in sight. I don't have a lot of smarts -- my friends have MBAs from Ivies -- and it took me nearly 20 years to learn the things most young people nowadays learn in 2. Maybe I am just stupid and dumb, ignorant and naive. I just can't grasp complex concepts. Neither can I make appropriate business decisions for the greater good.

Which brings me to the company. Despite my investing time, effort, money, it pales in comparison to what others can bring to the table. I am sure others can put more time, more effort, better smarts, immensely more money, into this growing company than I can. But I tried my best. On hindsight, I am but a little ant worker, thinking I had the confidence to be the queen. My friends stroke my confidence, but they love me, and they wish me well. I reckon I really can't make it, but just attempting to, and perhaps deluding myself into believing I can.

My partners don't seem to appreciate my value or worth. They would have given me shares without money if they did. Although again, I convince myself the money is a contribution of what I can offer, perhaps in exchange for my low value. My partner thinks I am slipshod and careless in my work. Maybe they think I have given too little of my time, effort, and money. I offer suggestions as best as I can, my experience in my field, my observations of the industry. I guess these are failed attempts at trying to be clever. Maybe it really is just a mis-fit, of how two people try to work together but don't have the same views. It's very much like a marriage between two people who are totally different from each other, but have gone so deep and long in their time together that they are inextricably tied and separation will just cause more pain and trouble.

I don't know what to do. I can't even begin to think of an exit plan. The nearest will be a few years away. Perhaps things will be better then. I should remain more steadfast and drown my sorrows quietly. I can stay silent. Only God knows. And He will help me... I think...

My confidence is weak. My hope is bruised. My future remains bleak. I think of my kids, my husband, have I failed them? Have I dragged them down the wrong hole?

And in the meantime, I can only put up in silence. What can I do? And even if I think my work is shit, I better just pretend I am confident about it. What can I do? A whole load of negativity will just make things worse, so I can pretend to be optimistic and positive, and maybe some of it will just rub off and make life better.

I can only try.

But I sometimes wish I could give up.

God I am so weak about such things...

Thank you Diary, for listening.

Je Nas Sai Pas

I don't know why. Recently we've been quarrelling a lot. Is that what 10 years of marriage does to you? Or am I just too stressed lately by the intense workload. I sold myself to my company I know, but with good cause. I am doing it for my family's future. But I also feel entitled to the title of "most hardworking" in the family, despite his protests. I have to be a mom, a business person, a designer, a marketer, a teacher, a maid, a wife, a daughter -- all within the space of 24 hours. Did I mention I hardly get sleep?

I have been sick every month since the beginning of 2015. I have been sick for over a week now. Nobody cares. Really. My daughter coughs at night and everyone worries. I cough at night and my husband sleeps soundly. People just say "What's wrong with you! Why is your immunity so bad?"

I wonder too. But I am praying I get 9 straight months of strong health and I believe He will deliver. I need it too. With the new product line-up, trade shows and overseas work trips...things are going to be tough.

I just wish I get the support I need from the family. I cannot afford a domestic helper. Dashed also are my hopes of having another child. Maybe I can wait till 40. My embryos certainly can, but not sure about my body.

Good night.