10 things you should be aware of in a relationship or marriage

I don't presume to know everything there is to a long term relationship or even a marriage, after all it is a lifelong process. But as an ode to women everywhere, I shall pen my thoughts about relationships, garnered through 10 years of learning and growing with kimmy, and from what I have seen from relationships around me.

1. Perfection
Many women have an idea of the perfect man and maybe the perfect life they will have if they met this perfect man. The reality is, there is no perfect man and no perfect relationship. It's a cliche to say this, but it's really just in your mind. You will probably have to lower your standards on certain things and make certain compromises, but at the end of it all, despite flaws and problems, you will feel that the man you are with is perfect for you, but he is not perfect. I find that having someone who complements you in certain ways would be most desirable. He might hate beef and cheese, but that means you get more of that to eat, even though it means you can't share the same love and joy in it. Appreciating the differences in someone will make it less frustrating in your search for that someone who is perfect for you.

2. Change
Some women think they can change the flaws in their man after marriage, or after they get into a commitment with each other. Women these days are strong, opinionated, go-getter types, who excel in their work and thus, they might treat their man as a "project" they can work on. Truth is, most times, men are impossible to change. There will be unusual and rare circumstances in which men change their habits for the "better", but to expect this is bad too, it might let you down. If it does happen, you will be pleasantly surprised. If not, live with it!

3. Great Expectations
Having high expectations are the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Many times, couples face immense difficulty in their relationships because of pre-conceived notions of how they wanted their partner to be like in their day to day life. It could be something small like lifting up the toilet seat or buying presents for each other, to something big like sex 5 times a week and earning a certain amount of money for the family. In most cases, unsaid expectations and feelings of disappointment will lead to arguments and disagreements. The solution to this would be to re-evaluate your expectations of your partner and also to have open, honest communication - see the next point.

4. Open to talk
As many have said before, good honest conversation is the key to a rock solid relationship. Don't keep secrets, don't harbour grudges, don't keep your thoughts to yourself. If you talked it out and expressed your feelings, chances are you'd realise your partner is going through the same sentiments as you are. Many men, i know, do not express themselves very well. Although this is a character trait that might never change, I encourage women to help their men open up and say how they feel. Remember to do it in a calm and relaxed manner, defensive tones and shrill voices will only serve to clam them up.

5. Living Conditions
If you do decide to get married or to get into a committed relationship, it would be best to live together. Whilst i know in our society how hard it is for people to accept cohabiting, it is a key factor in growing a relationship to greater heights. Living together brings about a whole new set of challenges and tests. Some people while great apart, might not fare so well when brought together under the same roof. A lot of understanding and compromises are required. Not only that, living together also requires some amount of responsibility to each other. You will need to encourage yourself and each other to work things out as well, as opposed to being apart and leading individual lives.

6. Compromise and Sacrifice
This is never easy for most people. Society tells us to be our own person, to strive for individuality. The terms "compromise" and "sacrifice" might even be seen as antiquated terms most heard of in our parents' time. They may seem like "bad words" to you now, but to achieve a long lasting relationship, it is integral you embrace these terms as part of your mindset. Many think that to compromise they are losing a part of their identity, and they will be miserable forever. It takes two hands to clap. If both hands had to "lose a part" of each of themselves, who knows, it might prove to bring them closer and happier?

7. Family and Friends
We watch movies and dramas, Romeo and Juliet, and all the great love stories of forbidden love. Two people deeply in love with each other elope despite objections from each other's parents and they live happily ever after. NOT. It would possibly be ok if you wanted to severe ties with the ones closest to you. If not, it is very important that you integrate your family and friends into your relationship. It would definitely be easier for your relationship, but that aside, it is the ones closest to us who help shape our lives as well. I have seen instances where one party looks in disdain at the other's family, and as such, it became a recurring issue, cropping up often, maybe even every year when Christmas and New Year comes, as those are often family events requiring both to appear together as events.

8. Same Old Routine
Relationships are not like dogs. We cannot always do the same thing over and over and still feel happy about it. Many couples get into a "rut" after some years of being together and it silently gets into their system, making them irritable or bored. They might take it out on each other, blaming the other party for being the cause of it. Always remember that relationships have to be worked at, and even persevered. Take time to do new things together, not apart for fear of drifting away. Having individual hobbies is fine but ultimately you must make effort to spend time together, quality time, and not just having sex.

9. Sexy Time
Sex can get boring after awhile. Nobody has exciting sex 24/7 for 50 years at a go, not even the hottest celebrities with the hottest boyfriends or girlfriends. Many couples think that once the spark is gone, and they don't feel so great about the sex, then they should part ways. They might find excitement in new partners, but ultimately it might come back to square one again. Sure, sex is important, but you must learn to engage your mind as well, and your emotional and spiritual side. Sex with many factors thrown in might even be more explosive than just enjoying the physical pleasure. If all else fails, feel free to explore in the bedroom, talk about your fantasies and desires, role-play, be creative.

10. Tempt Me Tempt Me Not
Never put yourself in temptation's way. Some people feel they are very strong, and their love for their partner, however tested, will never waver. These people are most probably the ones who will fall the fastest. If you put yourself in a situation that compromises your fidelity, it could possibly be your downfall. I'm not saying we should take the easy way out and systematically remove all potential temptations in our lives. That would help tons, but what would help even more is to be aware of the fact that it is easy to fall. When you are aware of it, you will be aware of your feelings to your partner as well, and you will consider carefully first, before you put yourself in certain situations.

The first is always the hardest

As the 3rd year of my marriage passes, i think again about my wedding vows, and whether I have made any progress or learnt anything in the past year. I remember my first wedding anniversary. As a sweet gesture, kimmy surprised me with flowers which he ordered and had them sent to my office. I didn't expect that and was pleasantly surprised. What I expected though, I did not get, and the night escalated into a huge quarrel when it could have been a nice time reliving our union.

On hindsight, I feel embarrassed for the things I did and expected. Perhaps it was due to a friend getting presents every month, perhaps it was my dream of an ideal marriage, perhaps I was just making excuses for myself. Kimmy is one who will almost never buy anything pretty and expensive for me. I can yearn for bling and bags but the flowers were a wonderful gesture and I couldn't have asked for more. He is also one who does not enjoy expensive meals under candlelight and my demands for a (cookie cutter) "romantic night out" made him feel uncomfortable and awkward. At the end of the night, he was being snappish and I was very dismayed, thinking "what crap have I got myself into?"

The first year in a marriage is always the hardest I reckon. Some people say it's the honeymoon period. Maybe it's because of "those people" that women like me cling on to our ideals and expectations, thinking our marriage would be our bed of roses. Sometimes, we even think we can change our men to be something more pleasing for us, our marriage and our eyes. Alas, in most instances, it is very difficult. Back then, I wished Kimmy was hunky and sporty and exude "maleness" from his pores. "Wished" is the operative word. It's not that I don't wish if he's hunky and sporty anymore, but that I now see his "maleness" in other forms. It might not be a physical maleness, but I have looked carefully and I have realised I have been a tad bit shallow, and he is man to me in other ways.

There are so many examples I could mention regarding my re-alignment of perceptions and expectations but i'm sure you get the drift. Every marriage is hard, and sometimes the first is even harder. When something doesn't go your way, it is so easy to turn to the nearest strong shoulder to cry on, to turn your back and say goodbye, to give up and say you made a mistake. If you do decide on the difficult path though, you will have to make a great effort, a momentous decision. I said my vows for a reason, I decided and I will persevere. But then, I've never been one to give up so easily, I know I am stronger than that.

And this year, he very sweetly bought me a perfume I had been hankering for, as a surprise. aww... =)

New York, Paris, Milan

I have learned in my years in advertising that it is not uncommon to attach fancy titles like "New York" or "Paris" or "established 1888" to your brand so as to achieve a certain feel and perception in your desired audience. Of course, the credibility in naming your brand in such a way lies in your story and rationale behind it, whether it is real and true, or just a marketing ploy.

Recently, the store Club Marc New York has sprung up around town. They have a huge store in Vivocity and have opened one in Marina Square as well. I've never been enticed to enter the store, being biased against the red and black colour scheme of their logo and signage (very 80s). However, having run out of stores to browse yesterday, I wandered into the Marina Square outlet for a quick look.

At first glance, Club Marc seems polished and edgy, and with surprisingly low prices. If they were really from New York, those prices in USD would have been dirt cheap walmart buys. I was puzzled, a bit pleased, no harm having more cheap and good boutiques in town. The cheap sat well with me, but the good I had to disagree. Many clothes came in bright neon colours this season - lime green and psychaedelic pink (??) - and most of the ladies tops seemed a bit "short" in height. I had the impression they would end at my waist, and I certainly do not want to make my torso look shorter than it already is.

I decided to do my research. What store claims to be from the big apple when the tops looked like they were from HK, size wise, design wise. The Club Marc website was bad. The layout isn't great and the english throws you off a bit. Classic examples include " EVOLUTED TO A NEW FAST FASHION RETAILER" (isn't it evolved?) and "NEW FASHION STLYINGS" (what's a styling, and spelling error at that) -- Do feel free to surf to their website for more grammatical faux pas.

Another juicy tidbit i found out is that the website says the company was established in NYC in 1999 but alas, they have no stores in NYC at the moment, because they are "opening soon". They have an "R&D Center" in NYC though. What is there to R&D about for clothes? Their global HQ is in Singapore and all their stores are here. And they have a long list of countries on their store locator page but I'd bet all except one says "no stores at the moment". I guess the founder is very optimistic, looking to expand into every country in the world.

So...I gather this is a classic case of "fancy titling" in branding and image-building. After reading their website, I find a stronger resolve in me to not purchase anything from them or visit their store again. Such a pity, they turned out to be an empty shell with no substance, and no nice clothes.

it's our anniversary, again!

i am utterly dismayed by my lack of cooking skills and consistency standards. Today is our wedding anniversary and since kimmy was working, we decided to stay home for dinner instead of going out. i rushed to the supermarket after work to grab my ingredients and back home to cook. alas, in a hurry, everything ended up under par. The roasted broccoli and capsicums tasted a tad bit salty to me, whilst his chicken chop, which i thought would be delicious because of bbq sauce, ended up a bit bland. My cod fillet was strange, (I then remembered cod steaks had a nicer texture as compared to the fillet), and my scallops were juicy but too salty. There were also baked beans which kimmy complained were lousy because it was AYAM BRAND, and a small side of spaghetti aglio olio which i liked but he said was too oily. The highlight of the night came from a can of campbell's corn soup, thank goodness for that.

To cap of the evening, we indulged in kettle honey dijon chips...not that great an idea, it turned out like an anti-climax, nice while it lasted, but gave a terrible aftermath. :(

After dinner I watched Amazing Race Asia where the contestants had to eat a huge bowl of smelly tou fu. They felt terrible, I felt terrible, and I wanted to throw up like they were.

as I write this, i feel the urge to puke again. :(