The first is always the hardest

As the 3rd year of my marriage passes, i think again about my wedding vows, and whether I have made any progress or learnt anything in the past year. I remember my first wedding anniversary. As a sweet gesture, kimmy surprised me with flowers which he ordered and had them sent to my office. I didn't expect that and was pleasantly surprised. What I expected though, I did not get, and the night escalated into a huge quarrel when it could have been a nice time reliving our union.

On hindsight, I feel embarrassed for the things I did and expected. Perhaps it was due to a friend getting presents every month, perhaps it was my dream of an ideal marriage, perhaps I was just making excuses for myself. Kimmy is one who will almost never buy anything pretty and expensive for me. I can yearn for bling and bags but the flowers were a wonderful gesture and I couldn't have asked for more. He is also one who does not enjoy expensive meals under candlelight and my demands for a (cookie cutter) "romantic night out" made him feel uncomfortable and awkward. At the end of the night, he was being snappish and I was very dismayed, thinking "what crap have I got myself into?"

The first year in a marriage is always the hardest I reckon. Some people say it's the honeymoon period. Maybe it's because of "those people" that women like me cling on to our ideals and expectations, thinking our marriage would be our bed of roses. Sometimes, we even think we can change our men to be something more pleasing for us, our marriage and our eyes. Alas, in most instances, it is very difficult. Back then, I wished Kimmy was hunky and sporty and exude "maleness" from his pores. "Wished" is the operative word. It's not that I don't wish if he's hunky and sporty anymore, but that I now see his "maleness" in other forms. It might not be a physical maleness, but I have looked carefully and I have realised I have been a tad bit shallow, and he is man to me in other ways.

There are so many examples I could mention regarding my re-alignment of perceptions and expectations but i'm sure you get the drift. Every marriage is hard, and sometimes the first is even harder. When something doesn't go your way, it is so easy to turn to the nearest strong shoulder to cry on, to turn your back and say goodbye, to give up and say you made a mistake. If you do decide on the difficult path though, you will have to make a great effort, a momentous decision. I said my vows for a reason, I decided and I will persevere. But then, I've never been one to give up so easily, I know I am stronger than that.

And this year, he very sweetly bought me a perfume I had been hankering for, as a surprise. aww... =)