Impatience and fear.

It suddenly dawned on me that I feel wary and apprehensive when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together. And when the kids are all smiles and playing happily together in public, people smile at me and say they are such lovely kids. I, too, think they are lovely. But often not for long. And this stresses me out greatly. Of late, they are more whiny and irritating than angelic. Is it a phase they are going through? Am I not spending quality time with them? Or am I just an impatient mother with a low tolerance level for unreasonable behavior, something which seems common in small children.

Just this morning, the daughter needed 30 minutes of coaxing to get out of bed to brush teeth. I had to prepare their breakfast, and told her to rinse her mouth by herself. She snapped. Ran to the kitchen with her foamy mouth crying. (Why?!) I seriously couldn't take it, but told her to go back to the toilet to rinse. Her grandma helped her. But she was still in "let's agitate mom" mode after. Time was running out. I grabbed her and brought her to her room to change. She insisted she couldn't go to school, and wouldn't wear the cute cheongsam that was to be the attire for today's Racial Harmony Day. After some struggle, I got her into her dress and gave her milk to drink. She screamed and said she didn't want to drink, and that's when I snapped, and smacked her on her hand. She screamed even louder and I smacked her again. (I just know the smacking doesn't work but I still do it – why?!) Thank God the grandma came to the rescue at that point. I stomped away.

This seems to be happening on a daily basis now (not the smacking, just the bouts of screaming). I don't know what to do. Most days I try to calm myself and ignore them. They've been fighting a lot too, which is difficult because I don't know how to mediate without taking sides. When they are on their best behavior, cheery and cooperative, I hold my breath and tread carefully. I hear this voice telling me that this should not be the way, bringing up kids should not entail fear. Everyday I tell myself this is why I cannot have anymore children -- I am a busy and impatient working mother who struggles with anger and stress management issues -- and yet I hang back on making an official announcement, if only to myself. The working mothers with domestic helpers don't understand. They have screaming kids too, but don't have frazzled lives. People say that work-life balance is important. My work-life balance is a fog of fuzzy boundaries -- I spend time with the kids 7 days a week, and I also work 7 days a week, with whatever time I can spare.

And there are other stresses. Financial issues. Outstanding debt. Retirement preparation. Many times I wonder how far I will remain in this world. I don't know what God has in store for me, but what if it's to suffer and die young? Should I be prepared for this?

Maybe I need to talk to somebody with real problems like mine. Most people look at me and think I am doing a great job, but it hardly feels so. I wonder if my kids will grow up high-strung and a bit crazy like I am. I certainly don't wish so but with my own mother's tendency to jump to conclusions, and my own moody outbursts, I know that if they look at me, they will learn from me.

I must endeavour.